[ he hadn't thought you'd have stayed for his funeral either. go home, plant your trees- ... well. so he just huffs, his shoulders relaxing where he didn't even notice the tension creep in to start with. it all seems so normal from the way Bilbo says it. caring as natural as breathing. perhaps he should be used to it now, after everything they went through together. but the more he wants to believe in him, the more the notion unsettles him, so his next words are careful and measured. ]
I do not take forgiveness for granted.
[ he doesn't give it easily himself, after all. if he gives it at all. ]
[ it occurs to Bilbo that caring about whether or not someone lives or dies and forgiving them for a past transgression aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, but then maybe things like that are different for Dwarves. the Hobbit's mouth settles in a long, thin line as he sighs through his nose, his indignation cooling at Thorin's words. ]
I know. But I'm a Hobbit, not a Dwarf. I know it must be different for you, but we're not - [ and here he pulls a face, seemingly having trouble settling on the right way to get across what he wants to say ] - we don't hold grudges, as a rule, at least not unless they're frightfully petty.
[ he shrugs. ] I suppose that, yes, I could've turned and gone right back to the Shire there and then, if I'd wanted to, but... honestly, after everything and with the state you and Fíli and Kíli were in, I don't think I could've forgiven myself if I had.
[ how terrible would that have been, never knowing? ]
[ Thorin, taking in the words, finds himself lacking a response. he nods. accepts and understands, or tries to. this would be so much easier if he could show instead of tell, but he can't, or at least, not at the moment. words will have to do.
he thinks about the next ones for a moment, letting the silence linger, but in the end, all he can come up with still just come from the heart. ]
As glad as I am to see you made it through the battle unharmed, I have to wonder how you did it.
[ stealth will go a ways in mines and tunnels and forests too, but in the thick of the fighting? there is no suspicion in his voice now, only curiosity. and that took long enough, too. ]
[ thank goodness Thorin seems to have accepted that explanation, judging from his face, because Bilbo's really not sure how else he can put into words just how nerve-wracking the past days have been. he's rather glad, in the end, that Thorin moves things on, even if the question does catch him wrong-footed for a moment. ]
Oh - [ he starts, abashed ] - well, I think, really, it was down to luck far more than anything else. And I wouldn't be surprised if Dwalin had a lot to do with it as well. I took a bump to the back of the head that knocked me clean out for a great deal of the fighting, and, well, it seems that not being noticed has its advantages, on a battlefield.
[ he smiles wryly. ] I did manage to get a few of them with rocks beforehand, though, if it interests you.
[ it makes sense enough, being small and easy to miss. Dwalin looking out for him as well, of course. but what Bilbo says next gets an incredulous look from the dwarven king. hang on, hang on, let him get this straight. ]
Large rocks, really, but yes. I don't know if I caused that much damage to many of them, honestly, but I certainly knocked them down for long enough for Dwalin to get his say.
[ it's not something he seems comfortable thinking about. certainly it was a battle, and Bilbo's not going to lose any sleep over some dead orcs, but he would be the first to tell you that he's not a natural fighter. ]
[ and Thorin just laughs. not as loud as he might normally, because breathing hurts and laughing hurts more, but not so much so that it stops him. ]
And to think we worried about you. [ and to think I worried about you - he says it like a compliment, and it is. his tone carries respect and fondness equal to the amusement. ]
[ Bilbo, on the other hand, has an odd smile spreading slowly across his face; the slow, surprised smile of someone experiencing something strange and slightly wonderful.
it takes him a moment to find his voice again, and when he does he gives a little shrug. ]
... Well. I suppose that just as long as I have a good supply of rocks handy, I daresay you needn't worry about me too much.
[ he notices the smile, but doesn't care to call him out on it. the observation merely softens his expression, because, well... of course Bilbo has never seen him like this. nobody has, for a very long time. he hasn't been home in a very long time, home and at peace. ]
Good. [ and it is. of course, Bilbo is not like to have anything to fear once he makes it to the Shire, anyway. for once, Thorin doesn't bother fighting the urge to close his eyes for a moment. there's nothing to prove, not here, no image to maintain toward someone who might have heard his dying words. Thorin is still tired. he sighs deeply before he looks at his friend again. there's something on his mind that weighs on him, and he'd sooner have it over with than carrying it any longer. ]
[ the smile lingers for a little longer, though Bilbo considers for a moment asking Thorin if he would like to be left to rest when he sees the Dwarf king's eyes close - he's keenly aware of how serious his injuries were, after all, and how he's barely recovered from them.
he barely opens his mouth before he freezes like that, neatly caught by Thorin's (characteristically blunt) words. he promptly shuts his mouth again a moment later. he then follows it up with a faint: ]
Oh.
[ well, here it is; the conversation he's been dreading but knows that they must have. once again, his hands press the binding of his book, now largely forgotten about, holding it shut fast. ]
[ what does he say? what can he say, what is there left to be said? he remembers the letter well. Thorin pauses, searching for words that fit well enough to use, gaze shifting between the wall ahead of him and the blanket, and his friend. he has chosen his words in the past, at times, but not often for this kind of reason. ]
Despite, as you said, our best efforts, we are indeed all alive in the end.
[ and how much more bitter would matters have been if they had not? now he looks at Bilbo in full. ]
There is nothing to forgive. ... When I lost my way, you were the only one with the wisdom and courage to defy me before it was too late. And for this, I am still grateful.
[ it's no small amount of relieving, to hear the words, but Bilbo cannot help but feel a small measure of surprise as well. he had hoped, at best, to be forgiven for what he did (for even if Bilbo still thinks that he did the right thing in not giving the Arkenstone up to a gold-crazed Thorin, he still feels badly about the whole affair) - but to hear Thorin say that he is grateful is another thing entirely. ]
You're... grateful. Even after the mess I made of that whole business with the stone?
[ he tries to keep his tone light; it's not easy, still, to think of the change that the dragon sickness worked on Thorin. ]
[ he nods. keeps his eyes firmly on him. of course it hurt and it still hurts to think that a thing so precious and so important was only ever poison, but there's no denying it now. ]
If you hadn't, do you think I would've yielded?
[ and if he hadn't, if Thorin hadn't come to his senses when he did, then that battle could've taken a turn for... well, far worse than it did. ]
[ no is the answer that immediately springs to mind. Bilbo doesn't think so; not with how far gone Thorin was. isn't that the reason he resolved to try out his foolish idea in the first place? he swallows, eyes downcast, and, after a moment, shakes his head. ]
No. [ he lifts his gaze again, saying more assertively: ] No, I don't think you would have at all. You've always been - well, stubborn, if you don't mind me saying so, even at the best of times, but this was - this was something far beyond that.
[ another nod, but this one carries more weight, enough to bear his gaze down for a moment. he is tired again already, but this he wants to see through. ]
And there you have it.
[ even Thorin himself knows not where he was, where or how he lost sight of himself down the road to what he wanted for so long. lost sight of what he'd had all along. ]
In the end- [ he falters, hesitant to say it, the words heavy on his tongue. ] In the end, even a jewel with no equal is just a jewel. It cannot save lives.
[ and in the end, lives are so much more precious than gems. what a fool he was to ever have forgotten this. ]
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no subject
I do not take forgiveness for granted.
[ he doesn't give it easily himself, after all. if he gives it at all. ]
no subject
I know. But I'm a Hobbit, not a Dwarf. I know it must be different for you, but we're not - [ and here he pulls a face, seemingly having trouble settling on the right way to get across what he wants to say ] - we don't hold grudges, as a rule, at least not unless they're frightfully petty.
[ he shrugs. ] I suppose that, yes, I could've turned and gone right back to the Shire there and then, if I'd wanted to, but... honestly, after everything and with the state you and Fíli and Kíli were in, I don't think I could've forgiven myself if I had.
[ how terrible would that have been, never knowing? ]
no subject
he thinks about the next ones for a moment, letting the silence linger, but in the end, all he can come up with still just come from the heart. ]
As glad as I am to see you made it through the battle unharmed, I have to wonder how you did it.
[ stealth will go a ways in mines and tunnels and forests too, but in the thick of the fighting? there is no suspicion in his voice now, only curiosity. and that took long enough, too. ]
no subject
Oh - [ he starts, abashed ] - well, I think, really, it was down to luck far more than anything else. And I wouldn't be surprised if Dwalin had a lot to do with it as well. I took a bump to the back of the head that knocked me clean out for a great deal of the fighting, and, well, it seems that not being noticed has its advantages, on a battlefield.
[ he smiles wryly. ] I did manage to get a few of them with rocks beforehand, though, if it interests you.
no subject
You were killing orcs with stones?
[ ........ is this real life? ]
no subject
[ it's not something he seems comfortable thinking about. certainly it was a battle, and Bilbo's not going to lose any sleep over some dead orcs, but he would be the first to tell you that he's not a natural fighter. ]
no subject
And to think we worried about you. [ and to think I worried about you - he says it like a compliment, and it is. his tone carries respect and fondness equal to the amusement. ]
Never again shall I doubt the courage of hobbits.
no subject
it takes him a moment to find his voice again, and when he does he gives a little shrug. ]
... Well. I suppose that just as long as I have a good supply of rocks handy, I daresay you needn't worry about me too much.
no subject
Good. [ and it is. of course, Bilbo is not like to have anything to fear once he makes it to the Shire, anyway. for once, Thorin doesn't bother fighting the urge to close his eyes for a moment. there's nothing to prove, not here, no image to maintain toward someone who might have heard his dying words. Thorin is still tired. he sighs deeply before he looks at his friend again. there's something on his mind that weighs on him, and he'd sooner have it over with than carrying it any longer. ]
I found your letter.
[ and all that entails. ]
no subject
he barely opens his mouth before he freezes like that, neatly caught by Thorin's (characteristically blunt) words. he promptly shuts his mouth again a moment later. he then follows it up with a faint: ]
Oh.
[ well, here it is; the conversation he's been dreading but knows that they must have. once again, his hands press the binding of his book, now largely forgotten about, holding it shut fast. ]
What I wrote - it still stands.
no subject
Despite, as you said, our best efforts, we are indeed all alive in the end.
[ and how much more bitter would matters have been if they had not? now he looks at Bilbo in full. ]
There is nothing to forgive. ... When I lost my way, you were the only one with the wisdom and courage to defy me before it was too late. And for this, I am still grateful.
no subject
You're... grateful. Even after the mess I made of that whole business with the stone?
[ he tries to keep his tone light; it's not easy, still, to think of the change that the dragon sickness worked on Thorin. ]
no subject
If you hadn't, do you think I would've yielded?
[ and if he hadn't, if Thorin hadn't come to his senses when he did, then that battle could've taken a turn for... well, far worse than it did. ]
no subject
No. [ he lifts his gaze again, saying more assertively: ] No, I don't think you would have at all. You've always been - well, stubborn, if you don't mind me saying so, even at the best of times, but this was - this was something far beyond that.
no subject
And there you have it.
[ even Thorin himself knows not where he was, where or how he lost sight of himself down the road to what he wanted for so long. lost sight of what he'd had all along. ]
In the end- [ he falters, hesitant to say it, the words heavy on his tongue. ] In the end, even a jewel with no equal is just a jewel. It cannot save lives.
[ and in the end, lives are so much more precious than gems. what a fool he was to ever have forgotten this. ]