nestbox | | dæmonverse au for practicedhands

[Today, Joshua asked Elle to be the one to choose what will happen to the Sorrows. Whether they'll run. Whether they'll fight. She feels... well. She's not entirely sure how she feels about it. She knows she doesn't feel like she deserves to have a say in this. And she knows she doesn't know what the right answer is. She told Joshua as much, told him she needed time to think.]

Why us? [she mentally asked Cain as she watched Joshua leave.]

Because someone has to, [he answered, but nestled closer to her. He feels as uncertain about this as she does. And to make matters worse, he knew Waking Cloud and her dæmon were watching them stare after Joshua and his. They shook it off and kept moving. Daniel asked them to delve into those taboo caves, and, no matter what Elle chooses, she wants to help. And it'd buy her time to think.

The question doesn't stop circling around in her head, though. It's still spinning when the four of them return to the Narrows that evening. She's relieved when she spots Joshua in the Sorrows' camp, and makes her way towards him once she delivers the day's finds to Daniel. She hugs the coat she found in one of the taboo caves tighter around herself against the night chill. A desert molerat through and through, she doesn't appreciate how low Zion's temperatures can drop.

Though she offers Joshua a small smile, Cain shies into the coat's collar.] I'm never gonna get used to the weather here, [she jokes lightly. Cain's eyes twinkle in the torchlight as he peers out at Joshua's dæmon from the cover of his perch on Elle's shoulder.]

Edited 2015-04-01 14:02 (UTC)

[ She would doubt, as people often did. But Joshua finds he has faith that she, at least, will see sense once the situation becomes clearer to her. The Courier is not as wary of his judgement by default as Daniel is - and as much as he can not blame Daniel, it does complicate matters to be at odds on such an important choice.

The day's work done, Joshua sits by a fire on his own. Few choose to keep him company, unless there is some reason they need him. Many of the Sorrows and Dead Horses are wary, or regard him with all-too-familiar awe. Chesed is the only one nearby, though a dæmon does not precisely count as company. Where he sits reading, she rests her head in his lap, seeming to doze until their visitors approach. As soon as she hears them heading in their direction, she raises her head to watch them. There's no need to alert Joshua, she knows. He's always paying attention, and if he does not look up from his reading until she speaks, that is by choice. ]

And I pray you will not need to, at least for long. Welcome back. How can I help you?

[ More than anything, he wants to ask if she's made up her mind. But he also knows she spent most of the day in the caves, and he imagines there is little resolution to be found there. As restless as he feels, he wants to avoid pressuring anyone into a decision. It's not his call to make. (No matter how many times he has to remind himself of that.) ]

[Elle fidgets with her fingers indecisively. Suddenly, she's uncertain on whether or not she should ask. It feels... awkward. And she doesn't... She may not know if she wants to be the one to make this decision, but she doesn't want to give him cause to -- to... doubt whether or not he should be trusting her with this.]

Um... [She resists the urge to bite her lower lip.] I... I dunno. I'm sorry for interrupting, I was just... [Cain fluffs himself up. He's still hidden under the collar, but she can feel him shifting there on her shoulder.] There isn't anything in particular I... well. I guess I was hoping we could just... talk. [Cain crawls forward enough to poke his odd nose out from the shadows to get a better look at Joshua's dog dæmon. They haven't asked for her name yet. They haven't known whether or not it would be okay to.] Would you mind if I joined you?

[She's done a lot of talking today. To Follows-Chalk, to Daniel, to Waking Cloud, even already to Joshua. But it's what she knows. And even if she doesn't end up asking him that question, she'd still... like to get to know him a little better.]

[Habits are hard to break, and he's not sure he would break this one for anyone's comfort: he watches her closely, every fidgeting, every hesitation. Chesed tilts her head, her ears picking up on a very small and quiet rustling sound. She's trying to spot Elle's dæmon, but her eyes aren't as sharp as that, so the best she can do is suspect.

With one hand, Joshua closes his scriptures and puts them down next to him. With the other, he makes an open, inviting gesture. What exactly she wants to talk about he isn't sure, but she seems uncomfortable. Not that that's telling him much. A lot of people are ill at ease around him, and that's not accounting for uncomfortable topics, of which there are many.]

Feel free.

[The books will keep. He waits for her to sit, if she's going to. No reason to go anywhere else after all - there is nothing he wouldn't say here just because it's the Sorrows' camp. Secrecy has never been his game.
Next to him, his dæmon looks up at him, and finally sits up, keeping close to her human, watching curiously.]

What did you want to talk about?

[Elle settles down, making sure that the coat covers her crossed legs to keep them warm. The campfire will help, but still. She's glad that she'd been dressed for practicality when they finally crossed into Zion; the Kings' outfit offers more warmth than one of her typical dresses. She doesn't really stop fidgeting; she's picking loosely at her mismatched gloves. One is her Pip-Boy glove, but the other is more of a lacy sleeve than anything else, a scrap of black lace she salvaged and turned into a fingerless glove. It's the lace she's fussing with now, under the guise of making it sit more comfortably on her hand.]

Well... It's just -- I've been getting to know everyone else... [She offers him another small smile.] So... As long as I'm here making friends... I wanted to get to know you, too. [It's the truth. It's easier to stick with a simple truth like this than to try to lie and say there isn't anything in particular she wants to talk about.

Cain's ears are starting to emerge out from under the collar. His eyes are worse than Joshua's dog dæmon, but there's enough noise that he can work with that he doesn't need to rely on echolocation just yet. He's mostly relying on Elle for details right now, anyway. But at least this way, with his ears forward, he might be able to hear -- see -- better.]

[Chesed once again glances at Joshua. She knows the expression he wears under the bandages, mild discomfort and sad resignation, but there’s a sense of acceptance there that she can feel. A quiet resolve, the answer to a prayer. He knows where this is going, but he’s going to be okay, so she waits, shifting so close she's almost leaning against him.
Joshua only stops watching Elle for a moment, his eyes on the fire between them. People wanting to get to know him are not common – even now when they are less frightened of him than they used to be. Not her, though – her unease is not fear. If her dæmon beginning to emerge from under her collar is an indication at all, she’s curious.]

My past is not something I enjoy revisiting, but for a chance that others may learn from my mistakes, that is a small price to pay. Ask and you shall receive. What would you like to know?

[He says it like he's bracing for something, Elle thinks. But she doesn't think he's covering anything up... He's being too straight-forward for that.

Think about what he's offering to talk about, Cain points out. It's not like it's a happy trip down memory lane. A pause. It's not like it's something other people like hearing about, either.

Bracing for rejection.

Outwardly, Elle's jitters visibly settle. She knows that what Cain really wants to do is flap over to Joshua's dæmon, but he can't. They can't. They can't even begin to say they're starting to be friends yet. But Elle has an idea.]

There's... a lot I'd like to ask, [she admits,] but... I guess I phrased that wrong. It's not just... that I want to get to know you. What I really meant by that is... [She reaches up to her shoulder. Cain has had an inkling that this is what she was going to do, but he still squeaks when she picks him up and moves him out of his hiding spot. She settles her hands in her lap, cupped to hold Cain.] You... can ask me things, too.

[He considers her offer. Words and gesture line up, like a deliberate display, like she's making a point. Nevertheless, Chesed takes a few steps and settles in front of him rather than behind him, leaning against his leg, her yellow eyes catching the firelight. Whatever else the offer might be, it's genuine. So he huffs, amused and surprised at once.

Alright then.]

Why did you choose to come to Zion? You obviously have no connection to the New Canaanites.

[There are reasons why they don't get a lot of visitors, and the White Legs aren't the only one.]

[Cain squirms, as if to tell Elle told you so. She knows it makes sense, to ask that question. She'd ask, too, probably.

Which is why you should've known better, Cain complains at her. You're going to tell him, aren't you? That we ran away because we got scared.

Look at what we're going to be asking him, though. It's only fair.

Elle smooths her fingers across Cain's back.] It's... kind of a long story. [An attempt at a smile flickers across her face. Her eyes are off Joshua, now, and instead lost in the campfire.] But... I... I kind of needed... time. Time to think. I kind of... I kind of found myself -- in over my head. There's... a lot riding on my shoulders, and I don't... really know... what I'm doing. So when I heard there was a caravan, looking for someone with a Pip-Boy...

[Fair's fair, huh? Cain wriggles his nose. The little bit of guilt Elle was already feeling blossoms fully and she looks down at him. But she doesn't really want to admit... the role she plays in the Mojave. It's still hard for her to even wrap her head around.

Told you this was a bad idea.]

Um... I'm sorry. [Elle laughs a little.] It's... I'm still trying to adjust to everything. So I'm not really sure... how to talk about it. ... where to start. [But this way is fair. It does prove that she... Well. She hopes that it proves... She doesn't know. She just doesn't want to make him talk about things that are hard for him when she's not willing to return the favor.]

[So it's quid pro quo, he thinks. Steps on the memory of Latin like particularly nasty vermin. Carries on. He didn't intend to remind her of anything unpleasant, but so long as she does not retract her offer, he will not retract his question. This seems to have been her intention, anyway.

So they listen and watch, taking note of how she comforts her dæmon, how she looks away. Laughs to make light of things that hit her hard. All the same, the thought running from responsibility comes to mind. It's not the one he chooses. Judge ye not, after all, he's been working on that.]

You seem to know very well that you cannot run forever. [Or else, why ask about the way back?]

That is what matters.

I do. [Elle is very, very quick to affirm that. She can feel Cain tensing in her hands.] I do. And I don't want to, there are people waiting for me to come back. [Her expression softens. She smooths her fingers down Cain's back again, more idly this time, though.] They're... not really... family. But they're the closest I've got. I'm not leaving them. I just...

[She exhales slowly through her nose. She really is going to say it, now.] I'm scared. The war in the Mojave... I -- ended up in the middle of it... just because of a job I took. A job I don't even... remember taking. [Her head tips lower, now, low enough for the brim of her hat to obscure her face.] I'm... You know I'm a courier, but that's why all of this happened to me. I was making a delivery, something important, something that could change... the battlefield.

So... [Elle lifts her head. She's smiling again, but blandly.] I was shot for it, and it was taken from me... and, when I didn't have the manners to die... I went looking for answers. And it took me to the person I was supposed to make the delivery to, Mr. House... and... then it all just kind of... snowballed from there.

[A job she doesn't remember taking. And from Mr. House, no less. It seems as if there's a third side to the war that he was never truly aware of at the time. For a moment, his eyes rest on the flames between them. They catch the light when he looks at the Courier again, starting to speak- but then Chesed bumps her head against his knee, glances back at him over her shoulder.

It's not our war anymore, remember?

He lowers his eyes back to the fire and thinks better of it.]

A great deal of responsibility to bear. I will not advise you on the choices you will no doubt need to make. As someone who has been in the middle of it, I'm sure you know far more than I about the current state of the Mojave, and you are blessed not to have to face these trials alone.

Edited (nitpicks at phrasing) 2015-04-07 11:28 (UTC)

[Elle wants to pick at the peeling paint on her Pip-Boy. She fusses with Cain's fur instead, lightly picking out sand and dirt.]

I don't think I'd be where I am without them, [she confesses.] I don't think... I'd be able to do what I... [... yeah, no, wait. She sighs through her nose.] Honestly, I'm not even sure that I can do... what I'm in the position to do. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think that anything this big should rely on me. I'm not any good at making plans. I don't know anything about leading people. I don't...

[She swallows. She didn't mean for all of this to come spilling out, but... it's happening. This is the first time she's really... said this, all together at once, like this. Her friends would hear bits and pieces of it, but she never let herself... Not like she used to. It hasn't been the same since the Sierra Madre. ... she hasn't been the same.]

Right now, my plan is to follow the plans of men I've killed, [she says hollowly, like it's a confession of some horrible sin. Which makes her feel ridiculous. Look at who she's talking to. But knowing what he did, and comparing it to what she's done, doesn't make the weight on her chest, on her throat, any lighter. It makes it more stubborn.] One of them is the one who took my memories from me, and the other one, I... [She falters. ... no. She can't... she can't. She can't bring herself to... Saying it is still too -- She shakes her head.

At some point during all of that, nearer towards the end, Cain turned and reached for the front of Elle's dress so he could climb his way up to her heart and clutch to the front of her chest there, right there.

Elle takes a deep breath.] I'm... I'm sorry. That's not what I meant to... sorry. I'll figure it out. [She's not looking at Joshua or his dæmon, or even the campfire. She's just looking... away.]

Edited 2015-04-08 11:24 (UTC)

[He knows what it is to be saved by people. Without his tribe, he would... he would have died, no doubt about it. Spiritually, physically, probably both. Hers is a big story to learn of, and he can see that there are a lot of forces at work in the Wasteland right now. Too many plans hinging on this one young woman. Feeling at a loss at the fragile view he's presented with, he has to admit to himself he's not used to anyone simply opening up to him without him making them in some way, whether by asking or otherwise. While Elle is still speaking, Chesed gets to her feet. Slowly she circles the fire, and walks over to the spot where Elle is likely staring into nothing. There's something about those eyes that they need to see, that they suspect but want to confirm.

She finds it. All the same, the dæmon has no words for the Courier. Her human's going to have to think of something.]

You will. [He knows this, because he knows she is not broken. He's seen the look of broken people, and seen their dæmons too.]

But for now, you are here. Zion may not be a peaceful place now, but I pray that you find what you are looking for. Often, we need distance to see the things we left behind more clearly.

Edited (this surprise shift key drives me up the wall) 2015-04-08 14:30 (UTC)

[Elle startles slightly when Joshua's dæmon comes into her view, her shoulders jumping in her surprise. What...? What -- What is she...? What does it... mean? Are they just trying to... bring her out of her thoughts? That doesn't... That doesn't seem likely. She doesn't think that's something they would do. So why...? She doesn't understand.

Cain is peering in the direction of the dog dæmon just over his wing. He can't actually see her, he knows that very well. But still. Even though Elle is floundering, Cain finds himself drawn in. He doesn't move from his spot on Elle's chest, not yet, not when she's shying into herself under Joshua's words and the gaze of his dæmon. But... hmmm.

Joshua... he. Elle isn't sure... why he's so sure about her. First, he hands her the responsibility of deciding for the Sorrows... now... this. She doesn't understand.]

I... I really hope that's what... comes out of this. For... me. I know I... I know what I really did was just -- run away, no matter what I... tell myself, or anybody else, even if it's just... for a little while. But if... if I can still... figure it out... [She swallows nervously, attempts a smile.] Zion's still more peaceful than the Mojave, after all. By a long shot.

[... there's no strength in the smile, and she doesn't try to hold it up when it falls almost immediately afterwards. This time, she does pick at the paint peeling off her Pip-Boy.] I... I just... I don't know. If... I'm entirely honest, I don't really know... why you... picked... me. [She's not looking up at all, now. Her eyes are on her Pip-Boy, where it's safe. Cain nestles closer to her, a gesture of support.]

[Chesed gives Cain a look. She's not sure he can see her, but she's curious either way. After a moment, seeing Elle falter, she walks back over to Joshua and lays down by his side, his hand naturally shifting to her short fur. And if there's barely any feeling left in his fingertips, he just has to be especially careful. This is just about contact - he may not like to remind himself of the things he's seen but it's necessary. The reason he knows what a person's like when they've been broken, to the point where they can only be put together different, is because it's something he's inflicted upon them.

Why did he pick her? He didn't really think twice about it at the time.

She's not scared, he thinks, not of me.

Chesed doesn't move a muscle to answer. It would be a shame if she was.

But that doesn't answer her question. He's not sure how to, because that choice was part instinct and part inspiration and part having no other choice, and neither of these seem like they would be enough. He'll put the reasons into words as clearly as he can, as honestly as is possible.]

Because you have the luxury of being somewhat removed from this particular issue. Its resolution does not affect you like it will the people of Zion in the long term, so you stand the best chance of making an impartial decision. And as much as I might hope that you will see matters my way, I ... [he falters.]

... Daniel and I cannot resolve this on our own.

[As well as they can work together when they agree on a course of action, they're too thoroughly at odds in this. Perhaps it's a surprise that the man who was the Malpais Legate will stop in his tracks over someone disagreeing with him, but he isn't that anymore. He won't ever be that again.]

I understand why he has reservations about what I propose, of course.

[History speaks for itself.]

[Cain listens as the dog dæmon retreats. She's returning to her human. It's a shame, but he understands. He can't leave Elle right now for similar enough reasons.

Elle, he knows, isn't going to be able to let that be. And she speaks up just like he knows she's going to.]

Maybe... it won't affect me, but I... I mean, I understand what... you're saying, but I almost feel like... That's what -- That's why maybe I... I mean, it's not gonna affect me. I don't have the connection to these people, the people who are going to be affected, I don't... I don't know them, I don't know their values, their history, their language, I -- To make this kind of decision, to be responsible for these people, I... Maybe I can be impartial, but I -- I don't feel... qualified.

[She doesn't even feel qualified to make the decision she has to make for the Mojave.]

And I... The fact that you're -- trusting me with this, something so important, when you don't know... You didn't know -- hardly anything about me, I mean, I... Impartial is one thing, but you didn't know if I'd... care enough to really... put thought into it.

[Qualified. Joshua nearly scoffs at the term. The way he's lived his life, it doesn't mean anything at all. You're given choices, and you make them, whether you like them or not, whether you feel you can or not. Choice, agency, is all anyone has. He cocks his head.]

And you trust me, despite knowing.

[She might not know the details, but she knows who he was. So?]

[Cain, much to Elle's surprise, snorts with laughter. As if she wasn't already starting to blush because of that point... She shushes him quickly.]

I... I just... [... dammit. He has a point. She knows it, and Cain knows it, and Cain still thinks it's funny. Elle would give in and agree with him if she didn't feel unsettled for some reason. Like... like she's missing a piece of... of -- She doesn't know what.

I don't know, either, Cain tells her. But how much does it matter? That's his answer. I told you.

There's a part of her that still wants to argue. But she does know, know who he used to be, but she's seen, in some ways, who he's trying to be. She's seen it in the admiration of the tribes. She's seen it when she talked to Daniel. And he -- The most he'd seen was her willingness to help. But she's getting something out of it, too. She'd help even if she wasn't, but...

... but, it's like Cain said. There's no point. No point except to be self-defeating. Elle looks down at Cain, and he looks up at her, and she caves.]

... yeah, [she finally says, sighing. It's just as much to Cain as it is to Joshua.] Okay. ... I get it.

[I have a good feeling about him, Cain tells her confidently.

But is that what it is for him, too? Or is it just because he doesn't have any other options?]

[Chesed's ears perk up as Cain laughs. Joshua meanwhile merely nods. It's a discussion that seems pointless and that he sees no reason to prolong - this is much better.]

There are things you wanted to ask me.

[One would think she's talked enough about things that are hurtful to her that she might think it fair to ask him in turn. And he can see that there is fairness to it, too. Her actions weigh heavy in a different way, and her wounds are fresher than his, but in the end, life is a time of Trial for each person according to the Lord's will.]

[Elle manages a weak laugh.] Right. Right, yeah...

[Time to take the focus off of herself. ... she just needs to pick a place to start.

Elle mulls over her choices thoughtfully for a moment before finally settling on one.]

New Canaan... That's the place you're from, right? Where is it? What's it like?

[Though inaudibly, Joshua takes a deep breath. Chesed rubs her head against his leg, because she can feel his pain, and not just the physical kind. His last memories of New Canaan... too many dead. How quickly he’d fallen back into leading people, slipped back on the commanding tone. It hurt him to think back on the terror he’d brought down on them, that they were subject to it because of the charity they’d extended to him.

But that isn’t what the question was.]

New Canaan, or what remains of it, is a good distance to the North, not far from the Great Salt Lake, and with a mountain range to the East. Many of the pre-war buildings were kept in good shape, and where we could not do that, we built anew in their place. It was peaceful and full of life. Perhaps one of our greatest treasures were our books. We had a printing press we’d managed to restore to working order. We kept peaceful relations to all tribes in the area with whom it was possible, and caravans travelled some distance to come to us. Though most who lived in New Canaan were of our tribe, we extended our hospitalities to those who were not, and welcomed any who wished to stay.

[He pauses. It doesn’t occur to him to perhaps leave it at that, and he doesn’t entirely keep the anger out of his tone, either. ]

But the White Legs descended on us in numbers, slaughtering anyone who did not run fast enough. The children, the elderly. Any who stopped to help the wounded. We fled. I do not know what has become of the city, but it won’t be much different from any other place in the wasteland now.

[He stares hard into the flames.]

[It is... true, that the first part of that was what Elle had been hoping for. She knows that there are people who will remember New Canaan, knows there are survivors who will keep the memory of the place alive, who will not forget the good times, but... She always... wants to help, in things like that. Even if it's just a little bit. But... Considering how relatively recent the attack was, it... It isn't surprising that the good memories immediately lead... into bad ones.

Details like that, about the attack... She heard about them, more about them, from Daniel earlier. Elle stares down at the ground. Cain is listening intently for movements from Joshua's dæmon.]

I'm sorry, [she says softly. She inhales deeply and makes herself look back up at him. It doesn't really matter that much, though; he isn't looking at her. There isn't much doubt in her mind that he's... remembering.]

Did you guys... Have you found somewhere decent for shelter? Do you know... if there's somewhere you guys can go to rebuild? Waking Cloud... told me how hard it'd be for things to grow, so I know... going back and rebuilding there... isn't really much of an option...

[He nods, and has pulled himself together enough to look at her again. Chesed has shifted again to sit instead of lie down. She's feeling her human's restlessness, and he refuses to do anything about it, choosing instead to tense. It's not a good thing if he has nothing to do with his hands. She Stretches, deciding the topic is safe enough to talk about.]

We have found and made a new home. You do not need to worry. This isn't the first time my tribe has faced pointless persecution. We will endure, and try again.

[Cain lets go of Elle so he can settle down comfortably on her non-Pip-Boy arm. His ears are up and forward, aimed in the direction of the dog dæmon.]

I'm sorry, [she says on reflex in response to how his tribe has repeatedly suffered. But she catches herself as soon as the words fall out of her mouth and she ducks her head a little, embarrassed. That's not what she should be saying here.] I... I'm. I'm glad that... your tribe's going to be okay. That you have a new place to build a home.

[Ask them what her name is, Cain tells her.

What?

His dæmon.

N-No, I'm not going to... Don't be nosy, Elle scolds him. If they want to tell us, then they can tell us.

After a couple of beats of silence, Elle tilts her head, having thought of something else to ask.] When I talked to Daniel earlier... He gave me -- scripture. I haven't really had the chance to read it, yet, but... I'd -- I'd like to learn. About... all this stuff you guys have been talking about. With the praying, and everything...

["With the praying, and everything," Cain echoes back, accompanied by a small gesture that is the equivalent of a bat raising an eyebrow.

Oh, leave me alone, Elle grumbles.]

[Well that's new, Chesed remarks.

I know. I can't say I expected this.

Ever, huh.

...

Chesed looks over at the other pair curiously. She's still shifting because of their shared restlessness, but she can tell the courier's dæmon is paying as much attention as she is. These days, Joshua is more war chief than he is missionary, but he welcomes the chance to talk about his faith. "The more you teach, the more you'll learn," his bishop said to him a long, long time ago. It still holds true.

Start at the beginning. ]

We believe that all people and their dæmons were created by God. Before we are born, we live with Him as spirits. Because He made us, we call him Father, and because we are all His children, we often refer to one another as brothers and sisters. It's important for us to pray often, because that is our way to talk to our Father. We express gratitude for the things we recieve, ask for forgiveness for the wrongs we've done, and strengthen our connection with our dæmons.

| dæmonverse au for practicedhands

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